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  • lczarnik 16:53 on April 30, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Humour,   

    Fruity Art 

    Forwarded message
    From: Luana
    Date: 3 October 2008 at 00:57
    Subject: Fwd: Fruity Art

    Make sure you scroll all the way down and read what is written.


    Today is International Disturbed People’s Day

    Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… just as I’ve done.

    I don’t care if you lick windows,

    take the special bus

    or occasionally pee on yourself..

    You hang in there sunshine, you’re friggin’ special

    Advertisements
     
  • lczarnik 05:28 on April 30, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Humour, ,   

    Heavens to Murgatroyd 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 30 April 2018 at 01:17
    Subject: Fwd: Fw: Heavens to Murgatroyd

    Murgatroyd, remember that word? Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

    Heavens to Murgatroyd!

    Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really.

    The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said "What the heck is a Jalopy?"

    He never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old, … but not that old.

    Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

    About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.

    These phrases included "Don’t touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

    Back in the olden days we had a lot of ‘moxie’. We’d put on our best ‘bib and tucker’ to ‘straighten up and fly right’.

    Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

    We were ‘in like Flynn’ and ‘living the life of Riley’.

    Even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

    Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

    Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A., of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, penny loafers and pedal pushers. And don’t forget Saddle Stitched Pants.

    Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, .. but he isn’t anymore.

    We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap and before we can say, "Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!"

    Or, This is a ‘fine kettle of fish’!

    We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

    Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind

    We blink, and they’re gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey, it’s your nickel! Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses. It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.

    This can be disturbing stuff! ("Carter’s Little Liver Pills" are gone too.) We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once existed and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memories. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging. Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth.

    See ya later, alligator! Okidoki!

    WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S. NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN. WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS, …

    OUR MEMORIES!

     
  • lczarnik 15:27 on April 26, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    BLIND MAN. 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 26 April 2018 at 05:26
    Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: BLIND MAN.

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the

    Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room,

    strip off their habits, and paint naked.

    In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.

    "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

    The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm

    can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

    "Nice boobs," says the man,

    "Where do you want the blinds?"

     
  • lczarnik 15:11 on February 9, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    Fwd: FW: Word Smiths! 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 9 February 2018 at 10:12
    Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: FW: Word Smiths!

    Word Origins.docx

     
  • lczarnik 11:02 on February 3, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour, ,   

    Not much has changed over 80 years 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 2 February 2018 at 12:15
    Subject: Fwd: Fw: Not much has changed over 80 years

    Not much has changed over 80 years…too bad Wiley Post crashed his airplane and killed Rogers and himself back in the 1930s. We’d still be getting Will Rogers’ fine advice even though nothing’s really changed in the last 80 years, just like these 17 of the best quotes ever made. Will Rogers was a Genius.

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  • lczarnik 09:44 on January 9, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Humour, ,   

    *Canadian Speed Control! 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 9 January 2018 at 06:55
    Subject: Fwd: *Canadian Speed Control!

    Dear All,

    A smily moment for a busy day! Enjoy! I have no idea if this is true, or just an ironic joke, but it is clever!

    Please remove my friends’ details before forwarding to anyone else.

    Best wishes

    Subject: FW: *Canadian Speed Control!
    Canadian Speed Control!

    Speed control being used in Canada .
    How’s this for effective speed control?

    I don’t know about you, but
    this would certainly slow me down!
    People slow down and actually
    try to "straddle" the hole.


    This is an actual speed control
    device that is currently in use.
    It is MUCH cheaper than speed bumps,
    cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.


    Pretty clever — especially when they move them around every day.

    Isn’t Art Wonderful?

     
  • lczarnik 15:26 on January 5, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    Educated mind 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 12 November 2017 at 06:09
    Subject: Fwd: Educated mind

    Puns for Educated Minds (a few old puns!)

    1.The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
    out to be an optical aleutian .

    3.She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

    4.A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because
    it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5.No matter how much you push the envelope,it’ll still be stationery.

    6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8.Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie.

    9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
    the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

    14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
    medium at large.

    16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
    seasoned veteran.

    17.A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your
    count that votes.

    19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

    21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
    stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry sir, only one carrion
    allowed per passenger.’

    22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
    the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t
    have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
    other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    25..Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
    root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no
    fault of his own.

    27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
    that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
    did.

     
  • lczarnik 15:20 on January 5, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 2 December 2017 at 23:00
    Subject: Fwd: Fw: MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

    Happier People!

    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5,000. Tux rental – $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier!

    NICKNAMES

    · If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

    · If Rich, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.

    EATING OUT

    · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators..

    MONEY

    · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

    BATHROOMS

    · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    · The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS

    · A woman has the last word in any argument.

    · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE

    · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    MARRIAGE

    · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    · A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP

    · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL

    · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING

    · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

    · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

    So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

     
  • lczarnik 01:34 on September 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    Man’s alternative to waxing 

    Forwarded message
    From: Luana
    Date: 27 May 2008 at 01:45
    Subject: Fwd: Man’s alternative to waxing

    This is just too great!!!! Now I know I will never understand men!!!

    JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE END OF THE STUPIDITY, SOMEONE SENDS YOU THIS!

    man’s alternative to waxing


    TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE!!!

    We all need a good laugh today!!
    The ultimate brazilian…

     
  • lczarnik 11:47 on August 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Humour,   

    Lexophile 

    Forwarded message
    From: Ken W
    Date: 8 August 2017 at 08:30
    Subject: Fwd: Lexophile

    Lexophile……."Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as

    "you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil
    is pointless.
    A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles
    is held every year. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

    When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    The batteries were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

    Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
    was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off ?
    He’s all right now.

    A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

    AND THE CREAM OF THE TWISTED CROP:

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

    ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN – – IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE!

     
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