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  • lczarnik 02:42 on August 31, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    What Sermon? 

    Now THIS is funny!

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA
    Date: 31 August 2012 03:08
    Subject: Fwd: What Sermon?

    —–Original Message—–
     

    Subject: What Sermon?
     
      What  Sermon?
    Last night  on a plane returning home , I was sitting with  a friend I've known for  many years and he told me of  what happened in a local church on this  past Easter that made me roll  with laughter, to the point of  tears.


    The  pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children  to  the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had   them sit around him.  He said "Today is Easter and you all look so  handsome and beautiful.  Today we're going to talk about the  resurrection. Does anyone know what  the resurrection is?"

    One  little boy raised his hand, and the pastor  said "Please tell us what the  resurrection is".

    The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a  clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta  call a doctor!"

    It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could  speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably  forgotten – but that boy's voice won't be.

     
  • lczarnik 09:29 on August 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    TILL WE WRITE AGAIN 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Jack & Danilla
    Date: 16 August 2012 13:01
    Subject: Fwd: TILL WE WRITE AGAIN

    —–Original Message—–
    From: Sharon D
    Sent: Wed, Aug 15, 2012 11:59 am
    Subject: Fw: TILL WE WRITE AGAIN

    —– Forwarded Message —-
    From: Janice 
    Sent: Wed, August 15, 2012 11:56:41 AM
    Subject: Fw: TILL WE WRITE AGAIN

    TILL WE WRITE AGAIN 
    I don't know who initiated this but it's beautiful!
     










    Today is a gift of grace. Share something precious with someone

    you like. Take 60 seconds to be nice to someone. Rejoice in the

    miracles of your life. Identify one thing you're happy about.
    Be glad you have family & friends.


     

    —————–

    "A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check made payable to
     'The United States of  America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
    That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it."
    ——————–
    Hero's Don't Wear Capes

    They Wear Dog Tags

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  • lczarnik 09:17 on August 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    Rincones de España-SPAIN 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA 
    Date: 29 August 2012 03:37
    Subject: Fw: Rincones de España-SPAIN

    Some lovely photos of Spain

    [Since PPS in Posterous is no loniger, you can use the link –
    http://1drv.ms/1Rtajrv ]

     
  • lczarnik 09:16 on August 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    Grins and Snickers 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA 
    Date: 29 August 2012 03:34
    Subject: Fw: Grins and Snickers

    Grins and Snickers


    I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
    Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


    Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
    ————————————————————
    Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
    "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
    They were seated immediately.�
    ————————————————————
    The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

    ————————————————————
    All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
    The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
    As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.�
    ————————————————————
    Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    ————————————————————
    Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

    Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

    Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

    Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"�
    ————————————————————
    Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

    Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
    The Lord replies, "A minute."
    Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
    The Lord replies, "A penny."
    Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
    The Lord replies, "In a minute."
    ————————————————-�
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
    �
    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
    With his last breath John said, "I do!"�
    ————————————–
    A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
    "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I�have to talk to you about it."
    The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
    The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,�what should I do?"

    The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to�her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
    The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

     
  • lczarnik 09:15 on August 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    Operational Effectiveness…a little amusement to your day:) 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Vicki
    Date: 22 August 2012 11:19
    Subject: FW: Operational Effectiveness…a little amusement to your day:)

     

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  • lczarnik 05:17 on August 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Larry gets lost. 

    Photo

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Vicki
    Date: Friday, 24 August 2012
    Subject: Larry gets lost

     I don't think I do. Did I?.

    Thanks,
    Larry
     
  • lczarnik 02:15 on August 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    THE TALE SPINNER – Vol. XVIII, No. 27 – 29 of 2012. 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA 
    Date: Sunday, 26 August 2012
    Subject: Fwd: Fwd: THE TALE SPINNER – Vol. XVIII, No. 27 – 29 of 2012

    From issue No. 27 July 7, 2012:

    Subject: Fwd: Fw: THE TALE SPINNER – Vol. XVIII, No. 27 – 29 of 2012
    Date:
     
    2:26:42 -0700
    From:
    To:

    Pat and Shirley C both forward this timely story of

    BUYING THE RIGHT BATHING SUIT

    {Warning! For lady readers only!}  😎 =-O

    When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed, and reinforced – not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice, and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit. It was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

    So if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

    *  *  *

    TECH SUPPORT  <:-| :-!

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one….

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No, wait a minute…. I hadn't inserted it yet – it's still on my desk. Sorry!

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on to the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and….
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon. This is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: I have problems printing in red.
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah … thank you.

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK.
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes.
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah … that one does work.

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, and the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.

    ~  ~ ~

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
    computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ~  ~ ~

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

    ~  ~ ~

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

    ~  ~ ~

    And last but not least…

    Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
    time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P"… on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

    *  *  *
    From issue No. 28 July 14, 2012:


        Dust if you must,
        but there's not much time…
        with beer to drink, rivers to swim,
        and mountains to climb,
        music to hear and books to read,
        friends to cherish and life to lead.

        Dust if you must,
        but the world's out there,
        with the sun in your eyes,
        the wind in your hair,
        a flutter of snow,
        a shower of rain.
        This day will not come around again.

        Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
        old age will come and it's not kind.

        And when you go –
        and go you must –
        you, yourself, will make more dust!

    *  *  *

    Irene Harvalias received this from her cousin in Greece:

    OWNING A CANADIAN  😎

    On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, a popular talk show host, said that to an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

    The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura posted on the Internet:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…. End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations.

    A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

    In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24.

    The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9.

    The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

    Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

    I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.

    I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

    How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

    Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your adoring fan,

    James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia.

    P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.

    *  *  *

    Carol Shoemaker sends a story of

    AN EARLY-MORNING POLICE STOP  >:-}

    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2:00AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

    The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    The man replies, "That would be my wife."

    ~  ~ ~

    NEW REGULATIONS IN THE B.C. REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLE'S 2012 HANDBOOK  :-X

    1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident B.C. driver avoids using them.

    2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

    4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

    5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with Alberta or Saskatchewan plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

    6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

    7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

    8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in B.C. during rush hour, especially in Vancouver.

    9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a B.C. driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

    10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

    11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. B.C. is the home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

    12. It is tradition in B.C. to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

    13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your high-velocity escape from danger.

    14. Remember that the goal of every B.C. driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

    15. In B.C., "flipping the bird" is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

    *  *  *

    From issue No. 29 July 21, 2012:

    Betty Audet forwards these examples of

    CLEAN HUM OUR  😀

    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
    Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."

    ~  ~ ~

    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
    After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

    ~  ~ ~

    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years, "I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
    Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

    ~  ~ ~

    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed.
    "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."
    With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"

    ~  ~ ~

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mammies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?"
    After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

    ~  ~ ~

    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counsellor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" Blank stares.
    "Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton."
    An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"

    ~  ~ ~

    His wife's grave side service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

    *  *  *

    Catherine Nesbitt sends this story of

    THE FAMILY DINNER PARTY  :-[

    A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

    All during the sit-down dinner, one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her. She could hardly eat her food for staring.

    The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

    He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

    He finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

    Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

    The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

    *  *  *
     
  • lczarnik 02:08 on August 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Planet Earth 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA
    Date: Saturday, 25 August 2012
    Subject: Fw: Planet Earth

    An amazing display of "photographic art." This clip is some 13 minutes long
    but if you stick with it you will be treated to some fantastic
    images.                       
     

     
  • lczarnik 02:06 on August 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Separate Egg Yolks in Seconds. 

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA
    Date: Thursday, 23 August 2012
    Subject: Fw: Separate Egg Yolks in Seconds

     

    I haven't tried this but it looks possible.  BA

    Real neat trick.  

     

    She never even broke the egg yoke!! 

    Ahh, so!  Veddy crevel!

    Next time you make an Angel Food Cake, here is a neat way to separate the egg whites from the egg yokes.

    Guys, pass this on to your wives.

    Please click link below to view, ignore language difficulty.  

     
  • lczarnik 02:01 on August 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    3 tricks–must see. 

    How can this be anything but amazing?

    ———- Forwarded message ———-
    From: Ralph & BA
    Date: Thursday, 23 August 2012
    Subject: Fw: 3 tricks–must see

    Okay, how did he do these???

        

    Watch the whole thing as there are three "tricks"

     

     
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