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  • lczarnik 16:36 on June 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Just for a laugh 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 20 June 2017 at 15:49
    Subject: Fwd: Just for a laugh

    Hi everyone! Perhaps not a politically correct camel, but some good laughs in these!

    Hope you are all well. Best wishes.

    Terry

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  • lczarnik 11:45 on July 1, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Disorder in the American Courts 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 1 July 2016 at 10:34
    Subject: Fwd: Disorder in the American Courts

    Probably seen them all before but they are still funny. Very American

    These are excerpts from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place…

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes..
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No .
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

     
  • lczarnik 14:29 on May 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Clinton vs Trump 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 30 May 2016 at 13:25
    Subject: Fwd: Clinton vs Trump

    I hope this gives a few moments of a good hoot!

     
  • lczarnik 10:55 on May 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Don’t miss the p.s. at the bottom 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 26 May 2016 at 09:37
    Subject: Fwd: Don’t miss the p.s. at the bottom

    Thinking of you all. Terry

    Don’t miss the p.s. at the bottom

    Email to my darling husband.

    Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

    Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

    I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.​

    The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.

    I missed our bikes.

    I am really sorry, but I know with your kind heart personality you will forgive me.

    You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

    I am enclosing a picture for you.

    I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

    Your loving wife. XXOOXXOO!

     
  • lczarnik 12:56 on February 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry,   

    New Way of Stealing 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 13 February 2016 at 21:39
    Subject: Fwd: New Way of Stealing

    I think this is the sort of thing we were speaking about just recently.

    New way of STEALING…
    ESPECIALLY LOOK AT SCENE THREE…

    Be sure to read Scene 3. Quite interesting.

    This is a new one. People sure stay busy
    Trying to cheat us, don’t they?

    SCENE 1.

    A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker.

    After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open,

    and thought to himself,
    ‘Funny, I thought I locked the locker…

    Hmm, ‘He dressed and just flipped the wallet

    To make sure all was in order.
    Everything looked okay – all cards were in place…

    A few weeks later his credit card bill came – a whooping bill of $14,000!

    He called the credit card company and started

    yelling at them, saying that he did
    not make the transactions.

    Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system

    And asked if his card had been stolen…

    ‘No,’ he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled

    out the credit card, and yep –
    you guessed it – a switch had been made.

    An expired similar credit card from the same

    bank was in the wallet.

    The thief broke into his locker at the gym

    and

    switched cards.

    Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he

    did not report the card missing
    earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.

    How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy?

    $9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

    Small amounts rarely trigger a ‘warning bell’ with some credit card companies.

    It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to a big one!

     
  • lczarnik 12:41 on February 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    The Way It Was 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 14 February 2016 at 09:44
    Subject: Fwd: The Way It Was

    Thank goodness some things have changed! This is a cleverly collected lot of sexist and cigarette smoking inducements and memorabilia! Hard to believe. (Susan! Better than the Carbolic smoke balls ! Hopefully Dr Batty practised what he preached, and reaped his just rewards! For my other non-lawyer friends, the Carbolic smoke ball case is famously and gleefully taught in every law degree at Uni!)
    Terry

    need those asthma ciggies…

    Ads and marketing ploys from years gone by….unbelievable..

     
  • lczarnik 12:38 on February 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Garage door paintings. 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 14 February 2016 at 09:51
    Subject: Fwd: Garage door paintings.

    Love this Susan! Hopefully, no-one mistakes some of these for a welcome in , or a drive through!
    Terry

     
  • lczarnik 11:23 on February 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    SENIOR’S MEDICINE CABINET 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 13 February 2016 at 21:42
    Subject: Fwd: SENIOR’S MEDICINE CABINET

    Loved this one!

    RegardsTerry

    SENIOR’S MEDICINE CABINET

    ALL NATURAL

    It has taken me many, many months of my retirement time, but I have just finished building my new Medicine Cabinet.

    I don’t know about you, but I think it was well worth the time and expense.

    Disease Wine Daily dose
    Allergies Chardonnay de Paeuf 1 glass
    Anemia Graves 4 glass
    Bronchitis Bourgogne or Bordeaux
    > ( + sugar and cinnamon )
    3 cups
    Constipation Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray 4 glass
    Coronary arteries Dry Champagne 4 glass
    Diarrhea Beaujolais Nouveau 4 glass
    Fever Champagne sec 1 bottle
    Heart Burgundy , Santenay Rouge Two glass
    Uric acid gout Sancerre , Pouilly Fume 4 glass
    Hypertension Alsace , Sancerre 4 glass
    Menopause Saint Emilion 4 glass
    Depression Rhine 4 glass
    Obesity Burgundy 4 glass
    Obesity Rose Provence 1 bottle
    Rheumatism Champagne 4 glass
    Excessive weight loss Chateau de Beaune 4 glass

    From the American Association

    Of Retired People

    Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
    Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
    Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
    Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
    Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
    Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
    Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ? A: Nudity
    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
    SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor!
     
  • lczarnik 11:20 on February 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Lone Ranger 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry
    Date: 13 February 2016 at 21:46
    Subject: Fwd: Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness.
    After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some
    hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"’Kemo Sabe, look
    towards sky, what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
    "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies
    and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
    Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
    Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
    does it tell you,Tonto?"
    "You dumber than buffalo… It mean someone stole tent."

     
  • lczarnik 11:39 on January 9, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Terry   

    Christmas Tradition – Angel Explained 

    Forwarded message
    From: Terry Date: 6 January 2016 at 13:56
    Subject: Fwd: Christmas Tradition – Angel Explained

    This just came in. Today’s giggle! Enjoy!
    Regards, Terry

    When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

    And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    (Not very many people know this.)

     
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