A Woman’s week at the club

Forwarded message
From: Ralph & BA
Date: 17 February 2015 at 01:58
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Fw: A Woman’s week at the club

> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my children purchased a week of
> personal training at the local health club.

>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
> football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
> good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
> trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a
> 26-year-old aerobics instructor
> and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
> progress.
>
> ______________________________
>
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
> found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
> to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek
> god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white
> smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
> enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
>
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
> was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
> around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
> made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and
> push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on
> it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
> made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
> worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for
> me.
> ______________________________
>
>
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
> over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.
> I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
>
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
> bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
> perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he
> gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me
> on the stair monster. Why would anyone
> invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
> by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape
> and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
>
>
> __________________________
>
>
> THURSDAY:
> Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
> exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
> snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it
> took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
>
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
> looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
> witch to find me.
>
>
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which
> I sank.
> _________________________________
>
>
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has
> ever hated any other human being in the history of the
> world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics
> instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
> without
> unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
>
>
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have
> any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor,
> don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs
> more than a sandwich.
>
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
> nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone
> softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
> ______________________________
>
>
> SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
> shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
> hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my
> planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
> remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
> Weather Channel..
> _______________________________
>
>
> SUNDAY:
> I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today
> so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
> also pray that next year my children will choose a gift for
> me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I
> still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
> sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
>
> Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good
> one!